The Biology of Belonging

Tess Foley, Brave Space Consulting

My dad moved to Chicago from Mexico at age 23, determined to achieve the elusive American Dream. He had grown up one of many siblings of a poor family with an abusive alcoholic father. Having experienced both the physical and emotional hardships of such a childhood, he was willing to work as hard as he possibly could to assimilate to this land of opportunity. Several months after he arrived, he was deported during an ICE raid on the meat-packing warehouse where he worked. He was dating my mom at the time, and she remembered that he just disappeared one day. He wasn’t able to let her know what happened until weeks later. He made a surprise return several months later, they eloped soon after, and then he returned to Mexico to get his papers, much easier now that he was married to an American. He went on to become a U.S. citizen.

The Benefits of Belonging

According to Cornell University, belonging is the feeling of security and support when there is a sense of acceptance, inclusion, and identity for a member of a certain group. A large body of research confirms that belonging increases life expectancy. In the workplace, a sense of belonging correlates with a 50% increase in productivity, a 50% drop in turnover, and a 75% reduction in sick days.

In 1961, the remote village of Roseto, Pennsylvania, was home to a community of Italian immigrants. They worked together in the stone quarry and blouse factory. Multigenerational homes were the norm, and there would be communal feasts for dinner every night. Everyone attended the local church together. A visiting doctor took note that heart disease was far less prevalent in Roseto than in any of the neighboring communities. The rate in Roseto was less than half the national average, and the death rate was 35% lower than the national average. Upon further investigation, it was discovered that the village had zero suicide, zero alcoholism or drug addiction, no one on welfare, and far less crime on average.

The doctor hired a research team to find out why. They looked at diet, lifestyle, genetics, water, and healthcare. It was found that smoking cigarettes was the norm, many were sedentary, drank wine, and were often obese. They couldn’t afford olive oil so they cooked with lard. Animal fat made up over 40% of their calorie intake, yet seemingly without the typical negative health impacts.

As the children in the community grew up, went to college, married outside of the community, stopped going to church, and bought single-family homes in the suburbs, the disease and death rate in Roseto began to rise, and in the next decade would match the national average.

Although I easily assimilated into white American culture, I knew my family had different expectations of me than my friends’ families. I noticed that in Mexico, Dad was especially hard on us. He seemed embarrassed that his American children lacked that strong sense of respect and obedience so pervasive in his home culture. I felt almost disowned for moving into my own apartment after college. I remember sitting next to him on the couch, asking through tears if he even loved me. He didn’t answer. He didn’t even look at me. I knew I was deeply disappointing my dad but I wasn’t sure why. I have learned that this is a common experience for children of immigrants.

My dad earned a Bachelor’s in accounting, a field he’d never get hired in, he believed, because he was Mexican. He took speech lessons to eliminate his Mexican accent and sometimes even disparaged his paisanos. Belonging was a luxury he wasn’t afforded in his life, and so was not able to extend it to me.

Barriers to Belonging

Unhealed trauma can cause social isolation that leads to loneliness, which in turn leads to poor health. It is said that loneliness is as bad for your health as smoking cigarettes. Lonely people have higher rates of heart disease, breast cancer, and Alzheimer’s disease. Lonely bodies age more rapidly.

Psychologist John Cacioppo believes that curing loneliness isn’t as much about spending more time with people as it is about altering our attitude about people. Traumatized individuals may view other human beings as potentially dangerous. I admit, I’m in this category. Perhaps, my dad passed this on to me. As do so many parents, especially those with marginalized identities. When we have repeatedly felt unsafe around people, being around people can trigger stress hormones, and isolating feels like the safer choice.

As my dad grew older, and I grew up, got married, had kids of my own, and got divorced, our relationship softened, though I never felt that he trusted me to make good decisions. In 2017, he was living in Mexico, and I was planning to bring my kids, then 11 and 7, to Mexico for the first time to visit him. He tried to persuade me not to! I was unclear why and fought feelings of being rejected by him again.

We went to Mexico anyway and made many lovely memories. He spent hours playing with his grandsons in the pool while my mom took me to get a tattoo that I hid from him. They were divorced but still spent time together with us.

That night at dinner, I told my dad about the book “Mind Over Medicine” by Lissa Rankin, M.D., specifically the chapter entitled “Loneliness Poisons the Body,” where I learned about the Roseto study and the other research cited in this article. I meant to encourage him to move to a condo community where he could see people every day. He was alone often and admittedly depressed.

One month after our visit, he was found dead in the lounge chair in front of his TV, by a realtor and prospective buyers. He’d had a heart attack 3 days earlier. None of us knew he was sick. I believe that his loneliness had at least a small part to play. Somewhat of a loner myself, it was a wake-up call for me.

Getting to Belonging

If like me you’re ready to access the amazing health benefits associated with belonging, here are a few proven practices.

Go to a good church. I don’t! However, multiple studies show a strong correlation between attendance at religious services and longer life expectancy, 7 ½ years longer on average. One study even found that heart surgery patients who received support from their religious community were 3 times as likely to be alive 6 months later.

Get spiritual. You don’t have to affiliate with a religion to enjoy the benefits of a spiritual community. Practicing mindfulness in meditation, yoga, walking, or playing music alone and with others can optimize your health too.

Cohabitate. Studies have shown that people who live alone have higher levels of stress hormones than their partnered counterparts. However, being single is better for your health than being in an unhealthy or unbalanced relationship. Hence the fact that single women in general live longer than married women, but married men live longer than single men.

Having said all that, none of that is good for you if it isn’t healthy. If you attend a church that judges and shames you, and you feel like you have to mask your authentic self, you’re better off isolated because fitting in is the opposite of belonging.

Be authentic. In her book “Braving the Wilderness,” Brene Brown asserts that fitting in is the opposite of belonging.

“Fitting in is about assessing a situation and figuring out who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are.”

Heal trauma. Spending time in nature, learning to set healthy boundaries, searching out communities where it’s safe to be authentic, and showing up as ourselves in these spaces are all essential steps toward the benefits of belonging. Like every good thing, belonging begins within. Accepting ourselves with compassion is a precursor to showing up authentically with others. Bravely walking ourselves out of shame and fear cycles creates a safety net that will serve us well in our quest for belonging.